Leaving

Yesterday was the last day of term for us, which has meant saying goodbye to a place of unconditional love and spiritual learning, and where M and I have been going for four years. I always imagined we would be there ‘forever’, becoming part of the school and the community, but I had a shock just over a year ago to realise that we wouldn’t be.

There are times when I just seem to ‘know’ things, which defy logical explanations. It usually happens when I just can’t ‘see’ the future of something, for example when pregnant with M and considering car seats, I realised we wouldn’t have the same car – and a different one may have different fixings. I assumed we would sell it since it was over ten years old; however its end was rather more dramatic in a high speed motorway collision in which no one was hurt but the car was written off, three months before M was born. Similarly, there was no reason for me to think we should leave this school, yet I trusted my instinct from a year ago that we might not still be there when M reached school age and made plans in case that proved to be true – I didn’t want to end in a crash again. Because over the past fifteen months, starting before I was even properly aware of it, there have been many small signs that it would be time to leave at the end of this summer term. Both pushes and pulls.

It has been a hard journey at times, and involved much frustration, sadness and soul searching. I haven’t always felt ready to be ‘moved on’, to leave the cosy duvet of love and protection (which I am told is common to all Steiner schools) and take what I have learned out into the ‘real’ world. The last few weeks have seen me being tested in unexpected ways, such as many friends expressing fear about us leaving, and an expectation that we will be back. I don’t know if this is to test my resolve, or is a reflection of my own inner worries; or whether it is more about them and my confidence about leaving is what they themselves need. (Or the reality that sometimes people do come back…) There is also much I shall miss including the other parents and some teachers who have become friends.

Luckily we have been able to make a really positive choice to a wonderful little school in the village that we can walk to, and it just feels right as the next step forwards – although I suspect ‘luck’ doesn’t actually come into it. The universe is giving us what we need next. I keep reminding myself that as with everything in the wheel of the year, there cannot be new beginnings without there being endings, which is what I am acknowledging this week. Soon I will be looking forwards again.

Amidst feeling sad however, I was incredibly touched by a teacher-friend lending me two books to read that she had just been given because she knew I would enjoy them and also would read them before she got to them. How or when I will be able to return them to her I have no idea; for various reasons it will probably be months before I see her again, yet she has trusted me with her own gift. Blessings indeed, and possibly a sign that it won’t be the end but a transmutation into something different and new.

Birthdays

I am proud to be another “year” older this week, and realised as I approached the day that I wanted to mark it as a passing rite in my life, the same as I might mark any sabbat in the wheel of the year. It is equally important, even if only on an individual level, as a celebration of my life. Of being alive. On this day forty two years ago, my mother gave birth to me and brought me into this world. I was not due on this day, events didn’t go as she would have planned, yet it was the day I needed to be born on to make everything come right for me in this life. The bigger plan prevailed as it so often does.

I used to forget how old I was; age seemed unimportant once in my twenties. But since ‘restarting’ my life anew, getting a second chance to do things differently, every year since I turned forty has seemed special. I am increasingly perplexed, however, about the notion that time passes quicker as you get older. Thank goodness this is not my experience, as I have so many things I want to be doing! I won’t say I love every minute of every day, yet, but I do try to live every minute.

Forty two is in numerological terms four magnified up an octave, plus two. Four is the number of stability, of home building, of organisation and connecting with Earth. This seems to be a theme running through my forties so far, with starting a new family and trying to get our house fully usable by completing building projects started some years ago. Two is the number of partnerships, of duality, and of diplomacy which I seem finally to be learning. Combined, four and two make a six, the number of love. I have learned a huge amount over the past year about what unconditional love means, and how to practice it, and have noticed an increase in the love that I am able to give and that surrounds me. To have even more of this over the next year is something I really look forward to.

I thought this was sufficient basis for celebrating, but was reminded through a rather wonderful birthday card of the other reason 42 is important – it is if course the answer to the meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything. (Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.) So with a vow to myself to spend more time journeying over the next year, I am left wondering where this may lead me!

'42' birthday card The answer to Life, the Universe and Everything... (Inscription removed.)

’42’ birthday card
The answer to Life, the Universe and Everything…
(Inscription removed.)