I am proud to be another “year” older this week, and realised as I approached the day that I wanted to mark it as a passing rite in my life, the same as I might mark any sabbat in the wheel of the year. It is equally important, even if only on an individual level, as a celebration of my life. Of being alive. On this day forty two years ago, my mother gave birth to me and brought me into this world. I was not due on this day, events didn’t go as she would have planned, yet it was the day I needed to be born on to make everything come right for me in this life. The bigger plan prevailed as it so often does.

I used to forget how old I was; age seemed unimportant once in my twenties. But since ‘restarting’ my life anew, getting a second chance to do things differently, every year since I turned forty has seemed special. I am increasingly perplexed, however, about the notion that time passes quicker as you get older. Thank goodness this is not my experience, as I have so many things I want to be doing! I won’t say I love every minute of every day, yet, but I do try to live every minute.

Forty two is in numerological terms four magnified up an octave, plus two. Four is the number of stability, of home building, of organisation and connecting with Earth. This seems to be a theme running through my forties so far, with starting a new family and trying to get our house fully usable by completing building projects started some years ago. Two is the number of partnerships, of duality, and of diplomacy which I seem finally to be learning. Combined, four and two make a six, the number of love. I have learned a huge amount over the past year about what unconditional love means, and how to practice it, and have noticed an increase in the love that I am able to give and that surrounds me. To have even more of this over the next year is something I really look forward to.

I thought this was sufficient basis for celebrating, but was reminded through a rather wonderful birthday card of the other reason 42 is important – it is if course the answer to the meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything. (Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.) So with a vow to myself to spend more time journeying over the next year, I am left wondering where this may lead me!

'42' birthday card The answer to Life, the Universe and Everything... (Inscription removed.)

’42’ birthday card
The answer to Life, the Universe and Everything…
(Inscription removed.)

Loving Oneself

I have been working through various health issues over the past few years, finding spiritual ways to improve or even alleviate them, alongside homoeopathic help to try to cease my dependence on “anti-” medications. Last month I turned my attention to my nose, which has permanent rhinitis and reacts to anything. I was surprised when the message I got through meditation was that I had to love myself more.

Now I thought I had made good progress on love in the last few years – and have seen how loving myself more spills over into loving others more as well. I have become far more open-hearted and trusting. Less critical of myself, and I would like to think non-judgemental of anyone. But clearly I have only touched the surface so far, and it has been quite hard to realise how far from truly loving I am – if my health is an indicator of this.

On a parallel track, as M grows up and becomes more independent, I have started to think more about what direction I want to go in next. Sometimes it would be much easier to know what our life plan is, know what we should do and how we should act, and be confident in ourselves. But that would mean loosing our free will which the rest of the natural world frequently reminds us we are unique in possessing. Ultimately what we learn for ourselves through our difficulties seems to me more valuable at the soul level than what we simply do by instinct. As I develop further spiritually, I find I question more things in my life, influence my environment around me simply by my desires, and have much more trouble working out what I should focus on. Dreams that have long been buried come to the fore, but then there are too many possibilities. So as part of all this, I have started to put together a summary of different ‘pathfinding’ methods for myself to see what clues each gives me for following my life path and, more importantly, where they coincide. So far I have looked at two types of Numerology, palmistry, astrology, eye reading, and foot reading. All areas I either know something about already, or else where there is information easily available online. While individually there wasn’t a lot to surprise me, by putting them all together two aspects came out of it that I hadn’t expected.

1. My crazy path through life is probably going the right way even if it doesn’t always feel like it at the time. The various jobs I have had, and activities I am now involved in, do actually make sense when taken as a whole – they are a lot more than a series of dead-ends!

2. I was amazed how little I even recognised let alone valued some of the skills I have – things that seemed just common sense to me, and were dismissed as irrelevant. But after reading about who I am six times, I finally realised that to be organised wasn’t so boring after all and might actually be something I am naturally good at. Alongside being logical and rational, dependable, trustworthy, stable and loyal. That isn’t all of me of course, but it is one part which I had hitherto neglected, or even negated. So I have started to appreciate myself more, for who I am right now.

And the outcome of all of this? Well I have still carefully avoided making any decisions, but between what I have learned here, another recent experience from a first look at my past life experiences (possibly a topic for a future post), and some breath work suggested to me in the meditation, my nose seems to have settled to the point I can still breathe through it without spraying it with anti-cholinergics three or four times a day. That to me is an amazing improvement.